Twilight (2008) – By Eric Lampaert

15th February 2016


I recently experienced the twilight phenomena by watching Breaking Dawn part 2, despite not having seen part 1, or any other Twilight film. A friend once showed me a homemade movie on his video phone he entitled “Breaking Dawn”, which also involved some sucking and was, in my eyes, as good as Bill Condon’s version. And surprisingly, the nature of my mate’s movie was not dissimilar to Stephanie Meyer’s story. His, however, would have been rated 18. I went to see a 12A adaptation. Sadly, I was the only A in the cinema. That’s right. I felt like a complete Asshole for being the only Adult in the room, surrounded by an army of teenagers ready to murder me by catapulting stale popcorn into my eyes, if I said a bad thing about Team Jacob or Team Henry or whatever team it is I’m supposed to be on. By the way, this account of the film is rated 18A. That’s right, you have to be 18 and have another adult with you.

You will have to bare with me, just like Jacob does in nearly every scene, as not having seen the previous films took me about 113 minutes to understand what was happening. It was as if Stephanie Meyer devoured the vampire rulebook with a side salad of shapes and shiny things and drank it all down with a juice of question marks, and then purged herself all over a teenage girl writing her diary about a boy she met at school. Such a cute boy. TAKE YOUR T-SHIRT OFF YOU BASTARD! LET ME SEE YOUR CHEST! So cute.

So Stephanie, let me see if I got this right. The very pale people are vampires who can be electric, make you hallucinate monkeys and turn into diamonds when the sun is out. And Native Americans are all big wolves who don’t need the moon to change. What next? The humans in the movie are actually mermaids with legs and never need to fill in their self-assessment tax returns? Wake up Stephanie! This isn’t dreamland! We all know vampires burn up in sunlight. Not diamonds! Otherwise the diamond ring on Bella’s newly wed finger is made of vampire skin! The sick bitch!

Too many unanswered questions. If vampires can run super fast and never get tired, why does Bella insist on driving a car? What a whore! Polluting the planet for no reason! Why burn wood during the winter if you vampires don’t feel the cold? Why? To make even more pollution! So us mermaids with legs have dirty air to breath and then we die and can’t do our taxes! Then there’ll be no blood left for the Volturi to drink, who are referred to as “the redcoats” so I assume they are vampires that work at Butlins. And they want to kill the electric monkey vampires and big wolves because Butlins don’t want to drink big cats blood? They want to drink mermaids with legs, who in turn, need clean air! Pollution, is I think, the moral of this story. But I may be wrong.

Anyway. My main cause for confusion was that everybody in the film and cinema seemed to accept that Jacob, the main big wolf, was grooming a half human, half vampire baby for interracial bestiality sex. The only person that expressed shock to hear Paedo-wolf’s intentions was Bella, but she seemed to be swayed very quickly by his argument. I know wolves mark their property by urinating all over it. So is that what happened? I don’t understand! Is it because he’s attractive, strong and caring that it’s somehow ok for him to groom the baby? Every mother wants the best for their daughter after all. Would everyone make such a fuss if every paedophile were as attractive as Taylor Lautner? I don’t have answers. These are questions for you to ask. But let’s just say every girl in the cinema kept expelling cute-puppy-noises every time he was on stage. One even shouted “I love you” when he first appeared on screen. I really hope these models, I mean actors, have been CRB checked.

If you’re a man going to see this film with a girl, then be comforted that there’s a pretty good fight scene. Liam Neeson’s daughter in Taken gets her comeuppance for disobeying orders, there’s limbs flying everywhere and some twat gets his head ripped off. Unfortunately, the sex scene is all blurry like a perfume-advert with some sort of Enya playing in the background and he lasts ages and doesn’t even apologise once. Not. Realistic. And how does he get an erection if his vampire blood doesn’t pump around his dead body? Hey? GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT MEYER! And there’s clearly not enough blood to pump round as is obviously displayed during the vampire beheadings! I’ll tell you why he lasts ages! There’s not enough blood to pump round his undead body so he just slaps his flaccid penis against her cold, cold vagina. Method acting much? “I will love you forever” or till I cheat with you on Rupert! Good luck with your erection now!

Verdict. This is a great film if you’re a young girl or a virgin, or ideally, both. All the girls cried at the end cos it was such a beautiful story. And so did I. I cried, But because I was hungry.

Written by Eric Lampaert