Total Recall (2012) – By Eric Lampaert

15th February 2016

Total Recall

I can’t totally recall the original, but I remember child Lampaert loving it. It was a cool film. But that’s all I remember, so I will do my best to review Len Wiseman’s vision of the film, produced by ‘Original Films’ (chuckle) without comparing it to the original version.

The film starring Colin Farrell is not an exact replica; except for most of the characters and the plot (And there’s a nice cameo of Arnie’s Mars body-transport) and the an-tit-cipated triple boobs. In this version, they’re not making Douglas Quaid (Or is it Hauser?) virtually travel to Mars (Or does he?) but instead, he travels to a similarly landscaped Australia. And then he… Aaaargh, I can’t take it anymore! It’s the same film! Am I supposed to ignore that? What’s the point of seeing a film that I’ve already seen before and that frankly, does not need remaking (Cos Paul Verhoeven’s one rocks! Red ones!)

It really angers me when films get remade; the incredible Spanish film Rec was pretty much a shot for shot replicate but with one difference, it’s in English now so you can listen with your ears! It’s called Quarantine so you also know exactly what it’ll be about! Yay! I don’t have to read or think!

I don’t mean to belittle the 2012 Total Recall. I didn’t look at my watch or tweet once so it must have done something right. The only problem I had with it was the geography; I am all up for suspending disbelief such as commuting through the Earth’s outer core or being able to inject different memories in your head. But there is no way you could stand at a point in London and see both the Gherkin building and the BT tower on a large scale. Maybe from high up, you could see them, but they’d both be medium sized landscapes. They were big in the film! No! Naughty lies! Unless, the future decides to move the BT tower further East, which if that was the case, should’ve been mention in the film. Right?

I’m only trying to find reasons to moan about this remake. It’s visually incredible! So much in fact that it became a little distracting. Firstly, you have Kate Beckinsale! I actually zoned out a few times by this modern Helen of Troy (Or Lori of United Federation of Britain). She is far too beautiful to be an actress, so can we please get her off our screens, thank you. At least, I have the decency to look weird when I pop on the telly.

Secondly, the landscape and people of both the U.F.B. and The Colony was stunningly designed. I wished I had a cinema remote control to pause and gaze at every busy Where’s-Wally-esque scene change. In one way, it was just incredible, but in another, it was distracting; “Wow, look at that mode of transport! It’s so cool. Oh shit, what did Colin Farrell just say? Oh, they’re now shooting at him, it was clearly important.” Luckily for me, I saw the film once before, back in 1990. (Or did I?)

Written by Eric Lampaert