A Good Day To Die Hard (2013) – By Eric Lampaert

15th February 2016

A Good Day To Die Hard

It was indeed A Good Day To Die Hard when I went to the cinema, alone, on Valentine’s Day, alone, so alone. I wished the film was in 3D so armoured trucks could crash through the screen and land on me, which, for a split second, would release me from the pain of being alone in a room full of couples looking deep in the popcorn bag.

It was an interesting experience watching this movie, as I worked with B-Dubz (Bruce Willis) while he was filming it. Unfortunately it was a measly advert for broadband, and not the constant farfetched bombardment that is the fifth Die Hard movie. But it kinda makes me part of the film. Right? Guys? Whenever he wasn’t one of the scenes, I imagined John McClane took a break from shooting nasty Russians to check out the latest packages from his Internet provider. Mr Willis, it’s only £7.50 for everything! “Yipeeka-YAY!” You’re welcome. Now get out there you scamp and stop some terrorists, who regrettably started their plan of attack just as you arrived on holiday in Moscow. What are the odds?

Well, I say Moscow. The whole thing was pretty much filmed in Budapest, Hungary, which is where I filmed the advert. They had to move the whole project to another country for one man! But what a man! I like BW as an actor. But he was impossible to work with. He didn’t know his lines, so he was rambling like a lunatic in a gown, which I personally liked. It wasn’t acting with Bruce Willis; it was improv with Bruce Willis. I loved it, but I could see the disappointed faces in everyone that wanted to go home early. “Bloody hell man, it’s just one line about broadband!” But no! Willis does what he wants! And I like that.

Unfortunately I didn’t like the film. It’s perfect if you want to see stuff explode and loud noises, but the plot just annoyed me. There are more lines about abandonment issues and parental problems than bullets being fired. It’s an action film; not a rom-com. I swear to you, at one moment, I thought the Father and Son duo were going to kiss. And maybe they did, but it was edited out.

What’s worse is the bad guys plan; if there even was one. I don’t want to reveal anything but basically, the overall plan requires for the right people to get shot or not get shot and get captured or not captured at the right time by the right people or wrong people; none of it makes sense once you get to the end. The movie does that annoying thing that films do, which was beautifully interpreted in the movie Austin Powers. “Just shoot them already!” These bad guys, who have already killed hundreds of innocent people for breakfast, are now delaying killing two people who have tried to stop them all day. Kill them if they’re getting the way! It’s so annoying! But no, of course the good guys get away. Unlucky!

In Skyfall, Javier Bardem’s plan is pretty complicated but calculated. It didn’t feel like luck was part of the plan. A Good Day To Die Hard felt like it was written by forcing Lady Luck to sex the chaos theory butterfly and then chucking the chance placenta onto a Russian dictionary. In my opinion.

Finally, this is supposed to happen in the space of one day. The drive from Moscow to Chernobyl is 971.4 kilometres (603.6 miles), which will take about 12 hours to drive. (And this is whatever piss breaks & pasty purchase) I’m all up for suspending disbelief, and 12 hours is only half a day, which makes this drive possible, but the day didn’t start at 00:01AM; it started during the morning’s rush hour; we’re looking at 09:00AM. That’s all I’m saying.

Oh and apparently it’s quite easy to get a free taxi ride in Moscow if you let the drivers sing. But that’s all I’m saying.

One more. The boot of the car will shine red or yellow depending on the mood of the scene. But that’s it. No more.

Well, there’s so much more. Just go see it, for fun.

Written by Eric Lampaert